Municipality of Saanich to Consider, “Pay-Per-Flush”

The Boundary Bay Morning Steamer®
Boundary Bay, B.C. (bbmornsteamer@dccnet.com) Sunday, Mar. 26, 2006

Editor & Publisher: Roderick Whitney Stillwell
Senior Staff Writer: 00Buck
National Bureau Feed: Roto-reuters
Washington Bureau Feed: Disassociated Press
Fashion: Zella "Paisley" Twelge
Dining: Delbert "Doggy Bag" Twelge
Circulation Manager (Emeritus): William Harvey
Advertising: Don't we wish

Municipality of Saanich to Consider, “Pay-Per-Flush”

OR:

"The Latest Poop"

When I heard this on the CKVU Evening News out of Victoria last nite, the first thing that came to mind was: “Where was the person who thought this up actually sitting when this idea first wafted up and across their forebrain?”

Although Saanich, a ‘burb’ of Greater Victoria, is some 27 nautical miles across Georgia Straight from our offices, on a heading of 210^o (therefore mercifully off-wind a good part of the year) the staff here at, “The Boundary Bay Morning Steamer” feel the issue touches us in a very special way; reaches us right where we live, so to speak. It is not our custom to devote this many electrons to a single subject, but in this case, we've decided to vacate that policy.

During the morning staff meeting, it came out that each of us experienced pretty much the same ‘stimulus-response’ phenomenon upon hearing the news. Some of us nearly …, others could have…, and I personally thought I was going to …Fortunately; none of us actually did… ; mute testimony to our,...shall I say, "fortitude".

On March 15, Sheila Potter of the, “Saanich News”, alerted South Island residents to Councilman Wayne Hunter’s ruminations as Chair of the Finance Committee for the Municipality of Saanich.

“Saanich's finance committee wants to know if residents are open to a meter-based sewage bill intended to promote water conservation.
The pay-per-flush system would compliment the current consumption-based water bill, adding another incentive to spare water.”

Sheila quoted the councilman further down the page:

"There is no doubt in my mind that a government or some combination of governments will tell Victoria they have to solve their sewage problem," said Coun. Wayne Hunter, the chair of the finance committee. "It may be in ten years, I don't know, but if that is coming, we should move to a system that works towards that."

Pending direct confirmation from “The Chair”, we can only speculate as to whether Coun. Hunter is trying to start a ‘movement’, or stop one. It does appear however, his personal long-range views on the environmental impact of obligatory ablutions are slanted in favour of the “Anal Retentive” personality. A ‘bone fide’ clinical diagnosis, with a certificate, could well enhance the pedigree of the dedicated Saanich social climber; becoming a coveted status symbol.

The “Pay-As-You-Pee Program” or, “PAY PP” as we dubbed it here at, “The Steamer”, is an idea whose time has come. No; …seriously!

Wherever it is one does their most productive thinking, we would like to encourage everyone boasting a connection to a sewer pipe to start keeping a pad and pencil handy to regularly diarrize their pensées upon the various issues as they emerge. There undoubtedly will be many details to digest and many hairs to be split as Coun. Hunter’s notion wends it’s tortured way through committee conduits; moved along by that process of political peristalsis which begins with ‘open air’ reports, and emerges as something solid and worthy of ‘white paper’ status. Although it is still too early to tell, Coun. Hunter’s ruminations have an air about them that might well signal a movement.

POLICY ISSUES

The rationale for instituting the “Pay-As-You-Go” or, piece-rate protocol as opposed to the current flat-rate system, must treat the importance of preserving equity across the entire community.

The “PAY PP” has the inherent potential to differentiate residential water consumption practices according to the actual ‘end use’ of this precious resource. This would allow municipal bureaucrats to single out and levy against those abusing their municipally sanctioned, heretofore gratuitous, toilet privileges. Council shouldn’t penalize those who are just really thirsty all the time, those given to bathe in water, neither should it discriminate against Lawn Chair Conservators valiantly engaged in the perennial struggle to protect habitat essential to keeping the, “Saanich Dandelion”, off the Endangered Species List.

BASIC SERVICE PACKAGE OPTION

Some thought needs to be given to striking a policy that would permit Saanich residents a certain maximum number of flushes per day before it is deemed an insult to the system and extraordinary fees made to kick in. This approach might resemble the Basic Service Package we get from the Cable Dudes. Depending on your point of view, there could be problems with this; but, there certainly would be consequences.

For instance; if the BSP limit is set too low, many residents might find themselves reaching the daily max sometime after “Happy Hour”, and before the second, post-prandial cup of Nabob. Human Nature will sometimes turn a deaf ear to the Call of Nature when money is involved. This is especially true for a district like Greater Victoria which has a high a percentage of retired and/or exiled Scotsmen in it; all willing to risk renal collapse and herniating colons until the ‘witching hour’ of an evening when the BSP ‘toiletometer’ resets.

At 12:01 a.m. precisely, as every Residential Basic Shelter Unit in the District flushes in concert, a compact bolus of human waste would blast through the municipal sewer system like a jet-propelled 3-man bobsled, sequentially blowing unsecured manhole lids into the air like cast-iron skeet before arriving at the discharge pond seconds later; like a case of ‘explosive diarrhea’, on the scale of a municipality.

The size and scope of the spectacle would easily give Saanich a leg up on Yellowstone’s “Old Faithful”; especially if, and I suspect it would, … especially if it was accompanied by sound and fury from out of the ground like random notes from some vast geothermal bagpipes.

If the event could be scheduled during daylight, say, 12 noon instead of midnight, it’d fetch more tourists… although I don’t think we could count on much of a lunch crowd. The added tourist revenue would go a long way to underwriting the cost of a new treatment plant and help offset therapists’ retainers for the plant’s day shift coping with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

SPECIAL GROUPS; SPECIAL OCCASIONS; SPECIAL CONSIDERATIONS

Not everyone in society will be affected equally by the “PAY PP”. Responsible civics requires that those less fortunate among us not be ignored or made to sit out. At least, civics according to it’s classical definition; “BC”… (Before Campbell).

Care must be given to avoid giving unfair socio-economic advantage to people inadvertently; to those who, through default at birth, were born with atypical bladders. We’re wondering if those with itty-bitty bladders might qualify under BC Med to get corrective implants. Are there actuarial tables in support of the notion BC Med might actually save money over the expected life of the group member?

Some groups that deserve consideration might be:

• People with bladder control problems
• Men with ‘pernicious prostate tickle’.
• Those suffering from bulimia
• University students calibrating their consumption parameters
• Husbands trying to balance the need to economize on junkets to restaurants against the missus’ counter-strategy of inventing new and colostomy inducing recipes
• Teachers wanting to know if kids on field trips will have to carry Day Passes? Where do they go when they lose them?

Young children do present special problems. Under a metered system, if a kid from a large family collects a case of the “Flying Axe Handles” at school, by the time the virus has percolated through everyone in the house, the ‘Old Man’ could be up to his ears; in debt. Single parent families already living ‘on the edge’ could be literally ‘wiped’ out by the end of the month.

Then there is the cost of pottie training. After the “PAY PP” is introduced, will it be cheaper to continue the practice of ‘home schooling’ “Diaper Dan”, or will the added expense drive many parents to outsource and pay a semester’s tuition to some local academy or community college? What about bursaries, and scholarships?

MONITORING

No policy or law is any good if it can’t be enforced.

For those who haven’t thought the matter through yet and feel the “honour system” would suffice; imagine what life would be like for apartment dwellers on the ground floor under party animals;… with balconies! Progress comes with a price. Monitoring will be essential.

In order to monitor the “PAY PP”, Saanich will have to consider recruiting service personnel. These could be organized into a functional hierarchy with an elite squad of enforcers, the, “Pee Police” (Regulars), a crack fleet of meter-readers (Peter Meter Readers), and a civilian militia (Pee Patrol) consisting of volunteers willing to sign up as compliance monitors for tours of duty in neighbourhood surveillance.

This latter contingent, the “PPs”, could be pulled from the ranks of civic minded community members and would be tasked with reporting when they observe abuses (or get wind of them) to “The Regulars”, who could then issue warnings or tickets to the really stubborn and repeat offenders.

Some of the indicators of abuse the “Pee Patrol” will be trained to spot would include:

• Guys standing out in their backyard after dark not smoking
• Guys returning from taking the dog for a walk without there being evidence of a dog, or a baggie
• Guys hiding in neighbour’s bushes where the missus is know to be not all that attractive
• Guys watering the lawn while its raining

Since a good deal of this surveillance would occur at nite, coffee consumption by Pee Patrollers themselves could become an issue. To monitor this, a second tier of Internal Affairs Officers might need to be deployed to do random spot checks, and to deal with “PP’s”, for whom the pressure was getting to be too much. It is understandable some “PP’s” might be tempted to tinkle (or worse) in the field while on duty.

Monitoring the “PAY PP” might also require that some neighbourhoods install video cameras in high traffic and problem areas. “Regulars” could then issue tickets by mail to those caught exceeding the posted ‘peed limit’.

Vacant lots should display signs: “NO TRESPISSING - VIOLATORS WILL BE PROSECUTED”.

WITHIN THE DOMESTIC UNIT: SOME QUESTIONS

According to an exclusive publication available only to the British, “Really Upper Crust”:

“The Definition of A True Gentleman”, is cited as: “A man who steps out of the shower to pee.”

Monitoring for men who start ‘doing it’ in there, or in the sink, to avoid the flush fee presents a unique challenge. Their new 'modus commodi' is bound to get noticed and occasion a deal of distaff backlash. We must expect vigorous objections to re-commissioning the ‘ensuite’ vanity as the default urinal, especially since this option would be available only to men, and possibly a handful of women over six-foot two. Wives riding herd over a husband and a couple of teen-age ‘doggies’ will have to decide whether or not to rat the gang out when it dawns on them just why it is that their tush hasn’t tasted porcelain in 3 or 4 days.

ECONOMIC AND SOCIAL IMPACT

Before the “PAY PP” becomes final, careful studies should be undertaker to assess what impact there might be on the local economy and on social habits and conventions.

Since bathroom privileges will become a scarce resource in certain instances, retail outlets, professional service offices, corporate head (no pun intended) offices, some government facilities (no pun intended) and even the Corner Convenience (no pun intended) Store will have to re-examine their approach to treating customers, clients, and visitors.

Retailers might begin issuing “Free Flush” Coupons and/or "Crouch Vouchers". Patrons having to park their butts downtown, or just want to schmooze in a café, might begin insisting that merchants validate.

Citizens with business at Municipal Hall, or visitors to the gallery at the Provincial Legislature, could be ‘comped’ by a greeter with vouchers that say: “Why be different? Take a crap on us.”

AS "THE CHIT" EMERGES; SOME THOUGHTS

For reasons too obvious to mention, these coupons would almost certainly become known as “Chits”. Over time, these “Chits” could lead to a parallel or underground economy and inspire distinctive colloquialisms known as, “Pottie Patois”. We might even see the emergence of a Black Market in discounted, or partially used, “Biddy Visit”, coupons.

Community minded merchants such as “Thrifty Foods” might issue something like Canadian Tire Money or the Script used on Salt Spring. Upscale Shriner Lotteries could feature “Pee Free for One Year” draws at the PNE. Lucky families would get the coveted, “I P Freely” and, “I P FREELY 2”, personalized license plates, bumper stickers, and tee shirts for the whole family.

A revised TV jingle might come out sounding like; “You deserve a “Chit” today, at MacDonald’s”.

Numismatists and philatelists with nothing better to do than make a hobby out of collecting mint script could be called, “Chit Heads”.

The ‘lounge lizard’s’ favorite pick up line might become, “Hey babe; wann’a come up and see my “Chit” collection”.

Instead of the hackneyed, “I couldn’t care less”, people might begin expressing their ennui with; “I just don’t give a “Chit”.

We are used to seeing pamphlets and card holders on the counter or against the wall in banks and doctors’ offices. The neighbourhood proctologist’s drop in center might be freshened up if they got rid of that old flyer that says, “No: Müslix isn’t German for that stuff that comes out of your nose”, and replaced it with a snappy courtesy card: “Need a Chit? Take One”.

What happens if you get in ‘arrears’ or fall ‘behind’ in your payments? What are they going to do to you …issue a warrant for a crew of municipal plumbers to repossess your biffies! This last resort tactic would create an entirely new stratum in Saanich society: “The Will-Have-Nots”; a class of, “Les Misérables”, who aren’t homeless, technically; but they still don’t have a pot to piss in; practically. Alternatively, they could put offenders in a cell without a dumper in it and leave them there until they can’t stand the pain and resort to a bondsman to settle the account. What will society do with habitual offenders, chronic deadbeats…?

Would homeowners paying big bucks for “econo-flush” units be eligible for partial rebates? If so, would this be entirely fair to the environmentally conscious dweller with less ‘disposable’ who gets by with a hod of bricks in the toilet tank instead?

What about ‘bidet’ enthusiasts?

Can we get an extended warrantee on our “1000 Flushes” cartridges?

When prepping the family to head up country to grandma’s for Thanksgiving, the dialectic might well change. “Now does anyone have to go before we leave?” might become: “You’ll just have to hang on darlins. Once we clear the District, you’ll be OK. Out there, people are free; going where they want, when they want; their own masters….” (Apologies to W. Whitman)

ANTICIPATE OPPOSITION

There are always those who greet innovation with querulous complaints; those who just seem to have to make a big stink about everything. Some wags are apt to say things like:

“Whoever thought this up has serious, clinically significant, mental hygiene issues, probably stemming from not being properly toilet trained as child. Either that, or they’re over-compensating for a repressed enema fetish.”

“Someone in the 'Policy Loop' needs to pay a special visit to their physician, and/or contact the mental health officer in charge of their file. I have a sneaking suspicion they just might have been flushing their meds down the toilet.”

“Have these guys got some perverse axe to grind with the Canadian Kidney Foundation;… are they trying to turn Saanich into the Renal Failure Capital of the World; or what?”

“Only Mafiosi and politicians would concoct the idea of force-feeding their turf/constituents such a pile of crap, and then extort a fee to truck it away”.

“The PAY PP” is BS. With all the cutbacks to Hospitals, the Elderly, Social Services and Education, you’d think the politicians were constipated; but, when it comes to dumping a new tax on us, they’re on it like grin on a letch.”

“Council can’t be serious; they’re proposing a “Dump Tax” in order to set up a “Flush Fund”? Oh; that’s rich!”

“If I had a nickel for every time some dumb-ass politician pissed my money away…now they’re telling me I have to pay to take a leak!”

I’M ON BOARD

Where do we go from here; verily, where do we go?

With good strategic planning and a certain amount of PR, detractors such as those suggested above can be muted, if not silenced. We live in times when sophisticated sewage management policy must be an essential part of our daily contemplations.

Even as I sit here this morning, I’m sketching plans to convert my gazebo into a state-of-the-art, “two-holer”; a “stand alone unit”, supplemented by wind power.

These are exciting times and the “PAY PP” is 'cutting edge'... or cutting something; anyway .

Let’s bring the “Porta-potties” in from the campers and relive that heady era when there was a chamber pot beside the aspidistra in the dining room and another one brewing under the bed beside your mules.

.

”Dick and Lizzie: Soul Mates; or what?”

The Boundary Bay Morning SteamerÓ
Boundary Bay, B.C. (bbmornsteamer@dccnet.com) Sunday. Feb 26, 2006

Editor: Roderick Whitney Stillwell
Senior Staff Writer: 00Buck

”Dick and Lizzie: Soul Mates ... or what?”

OR:

"I Shot 'em Fair an' Square Judge; Honest!"

by; 00Buck

Back in 1962, Chad Mitchell of the Kingston Trio wrote a waggish little ditty about Lizzie Borden. It became a classic.

According to Chad’s tongue-in-cheek lyric, the press of Fall River, Massachusetts (circa 1892) is portrayed as having eschewed Lizzie’s legal defense argument, by publishing a rebut:

“…Oh, you can’t chop your papa up in Massachusetts, and then blame all the damage
on the mice; on the mice.”

Perhaps the underlying reason why the, ''Texas Chaney Saw Massacre’, seems to have legs like, “Ol’ Stewball”, is that something about it resonates in a way that even those in the media can sense. The ’general pop' twigged to the irony immediately; but that constituency has learned from experience that it has be patient with the media; to wait and see if the pundits, “The Cadge Cadre”, can get on board before ‘long-headed’ historians, with credentials, kick them off the train for being a sawbuck shy of the fare; again.

In the meantime, up here north of the 49^th, anticipation is driving us crazy.

If one renders a snippet or two from the VP’s defense as briefed to Brit Hume on FOX [1] last Wednesday afternoon (Feb. 15), and redacts from the VP’s words to a hypothetical paste up of how his private, unabridged, crib notes might have appeared as he punched them up on his Blackberry before sitting down with Brit, these notes might have looked like, well something like, this… tell me if I’m wrong… [Square bracketed comments are my own 'thought bubbles']

“A bunch of us boys was out exercising our Constitutional Right (the parts of the thing that still apply to me; anyway) to bear arms by hunting down a covey [sleeper cell] of quail; a covey I’m told [by Intelligence sources] that was rife with some of Texas’ most devious and dastardly denizens. We were there to exact righteous vengeance on them with a dose of good ol’ fashioned, executive-branch grade, ordinance.

This was a carefully planned operation. Intelligence sources had warned me that these so called, “quail”, presented flight risks. When you consider that, and put it together with my confidential CIA profile on them which indicates they always wear ‘camo’, they are ‘foul’, and they appear to have an unabashed loathing of having us on their turf under any pretense, well…me and the boys felt we’d taken just about enough attitude from these four flushing ingrates, and that we had all the justification we needed to go down there and pepper their bottoms with a hot load of # 6… give'em a little 'tune-up', y'might say.

(Note to self: Quail:… they remind me of doves. I hate doves; … just pigeons with nattier plumage. Best not let Brit get me started on (ugh) doves…)

The world needs to have confidence in the leadership of the US. We wanted to provide living proof that this Vice-President of the United States has ‘nads; has the courage to put his personal safety on the line, and wade into pitched battle against any 10 ounce package of plumage and pluck on any protected [safe] game reserve in Texas or any other state in the Continental USA. At no small risk, Brit, I was fitted-out with nothing more than my bare, 12 gauge pump-action Browning, and supported by little more than a mere regiment of armed security and para-military personnel, a mobile hospital, …oh; and a back-up Blackhawk helicopter, - just in case two of the little ‘shites’ attacked me at once, (à la Hitchcock), and I wanted to even the odds.

That is the real story as I see it, Brit. Having shot an old friend in the heart with a fully choked load of monogrammed munitions [gratis; C-I-L and the NHRA] only deserves to be considered as a possible sidebar. It doesn't deserve all this 'brouhaha,' amid accusations that I tried to hush it up for political reasons. [And because it made him look, well… stupid]

Now, as I’ve demonstrated to the public so many times in the past, I am not someone who makes excuses, or needs to; and I’m getting fed up repeatedly not apologizing for that fact that I’ll be damned if I’ll apologize for anything. No biggie; its just my endearing little way of saying GFY to busybodies, and it works just fine for me. This is just another case where I find myself moved to make the same point.

And let’s keep in mind, Brit, I only gave old Harry a flesh wound. [In the heart] The accident might be attributed, at least in part, to my being momentarily overtaken by zeal [blood lust]. Being a sporting gentleman at bottom, and with my reputation for fair play [2], you need to understand I was only aiming to plug a rogue quail in the back as the mangy coward tried to flee in terror. Maybe the thrill over-amped my pacemaker for a couple of tics …. (though, I’m still not convinced those Baltimore quacks actually found anything in there to solder it to …)

I’m here to suggest people need to learn to appreciate that this whole thing was nothing more than an unfortunate accident; “I just didn’t see him “… awww shucks, Brit; what is the big deal here? Look at it this way: my decision to shoot was, in a manner of speaking, just the result of some faulty intelligence. (Note: try to blame it on the dogs)

So whaddya want? I should expect a summons to The Hague over this too?

Besides, it happened in Texas. Everything I did was fair and square [2] and conformed to ‘Texas style' codes of civil law. Negligent homicide don’t count in them parts; leastways, not for me. According to my Intelligence sources, ever since Judge Roy Bean sat over the assizes, if you happen to be West of the Pecos, shooting a shyster (if you can prove you did on purpose anyway), can entitle you to an award of acreage … so long as you swear you won’t poke holes in it for fence posts, or traipse sheep across it. So, let’s not lose our perspective over this, Brit.”

So; what’s keeping Canadians in suspense, you might ask?

What ‘Dastardly’ Dick did to Harry Whittington, attorney at law and an officer of the court, is a literal 'meta-morph' of what he has done to Constitutional Justice in the US, and to International Justice, Sovereign Rights and Personal Freedoms. Cheney’s rationalizations, his personal absurdity, and his blithe self-satisfaction, combine to define a virtual ‘homage’ to Peter Sellers', “Jacques Clouseau”. Blake Edward's, “Pink Panther”, series uses slapstick parody because this is about the only way to portray a character so perfectly, so homogeneously, so geometrically, so symmetrically, so sublimely, OB-tuse.

We’re waiting for another Chad Mitchell to immortalize Dick’s exploits/adventures among the ‘Quail-Quada’, and capture the big picture in such a way that the medium fits the message… in other words, as a burlesque or a humouresque. The tale is screaming to be set to music. And us Canucks do love our music ... which is why we gave y'all Celine... before too much damage got done to it.

With deference to the American Corporate Media Ensemble (ACME), I deeply empathize with their dilemma. Everyone understands; just trying to describe Dick Cheney in simple prose makes you feel retarded, ashamed, and dirty; ...dirty, much like rape victims feel when they have to appear in open court to testify; especially when the defense gets around to suggesting that they, the victim, brought it on themselves.

With a subject like Cheney, journalistic prose can seem an effete thing; like a henna rinse: adequate for accenting hues and showing off hilites, but to treat a 'dyed in the wool' biotype of Diablo Himself, the, “Abomination of Desolation”, incarnate, and harbinger of Apocalypse, you need to paste and texture the page with Gamblin® Artists’ oils; then set fire to it while its still wet. Outfit paper boys with NOMEX®, if necessary.

Not having risen to this pitch, yet, explains a lot as to why the US Corps media appears (to us) to have been letting him get away with things that, if inserted into Woody Allen’s, “Bananas”, would ruin all hope of maintaining the necessary, “suspension of disbelief”. It couldn’t succeed even if billed as farce.

“Let him get away with things???!!!@&*$ ”, y’all might ask/exclaim/protest.

When us folk up here see what he's on about, what he has done to American people, we have to ask ourselves; “Is there some sort of problem with overcrowding in Leavenworth; or what?” Parrying, posturing and pettifogging about criticisms, reprimands, possible inquiries, and speculations about what consequences might befall the Republican Party if outrage can be fanned to censure, just gives us the ‘fan tods’. What felony would he have to commit to get time in protective custody; eat a rasher of babies for breakfast at a fund raiser??

Blandished at each step of the way by his unctuous, “Slip Slidin Away”, routine every time an emergent crime against humanity, justice, and civilization itself, tracks back to him, the American Media Circus Clowns are about as convincing as they would be if they were pretending to stone Mike Tyson to death by flicking Jiffy-Pop at him. Surely, writers could slam their keypads a lot harder than they have been; show the world there is still a corps of reporters with some grit and gristle; that there are still some leftover ‘stuffins’ in the carcass of the old turkey; corporate takeovers notwithstanding.

If an adult male got caught molesting a child the way Dick Cheney has been abusing the Children of America, and smarmily, “taking the Fifth”, every time some 'bleeding heart' got inquisitive, (a seditious act sufficient to get your phone summarily tapped without a warrant, apparently) that man would long ‘ere have got lynched up the handiest branch on the block, and before the cops could come fetch him… assuming they would bother to intrude at all. Ticket scalpers could make millions. News anchors would pay to do the colour commentary.

I think we all understand that ascribing demonic possession, or being not too subtly influenced by Satan, is more fanciful than factual. At least, it’d be hard to prove. But a good case could be made that he is the, "Grand Turk & Imperial Wizard of the Loyal Order of Ghoul", when considered at the level of human beings; at the level where people call one another mom, or dad, or son or daughter; brother or sister, aunt or uncle; families and friends; neighbours like Bill and Alice and their 3 rotten kids, Bernie and Marcie and then there’s what’s his name, you know .... and like that.

Beholding Dick Cheney on his public progress, profiting from, verily feeding off, the remains of 2300 Proud and the Brave boys and girls [sic] who got shot in, blown out of, and summarily fallen in their 'camo', (as if dressing up in it made them statistically dispensable all of a sudden) ...fallen for no earthly reason other than to sacrifice their future and their flesh to his tribe of corporate cannibals inc., creates the physical sensation of having a wet, partially decomposed, quahog [3] slide down your neck.

According to Chad’s lyric, what Lizzie did to her, “papa”, Andrew Jackson Borden, was a senseless, bloody, grisly, crime for which she never repented; or needed to. She got away with it.

00Buck

[1] http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2006/02/20060215-3.html
Interview of the Vice President by Brit Hume, FOX News
Vice President's Ceremonial Office
Eisenhower Executive Office Building

[2] “Fair & Square Rules of Engagement”, D. Cheney, (unpublished military ms.)
RULE 1A – “Shoot ’Em FAIRly quick and SQUARE in the back.”

[3] Quahog: "venus mercenaria"; pron. KO-hog. A bivalve mollusk resembling a large clam; a bottom, "filter feeder"; got by dredging.
Shucking (opening) quahogs can be frustrating, esp. for the novice... no shit.

Harper reads for Role in; “A Few Good Men”

The Boundary Bay Morning SteamerÓ
Boundary Bay, B.C. (bbmornsteamer@dccnet.com) Sunday, April 2, 2006

Editor: Roderick Whitney Stillwell

Senior Staff Writer: 00Buck

Harper Reads for Role in; “A Few Good Men”

by: 00Buck

In a piece [1] carried by, “News National”, on Thursday, Sue Bailey, CP, cited the following:

"As you know, Hamas is a terrorist organization -- listed in this country -- and we cannot send any direct aid to an organization that refuses to renounce terrorist activity, refuses to renounce violence." [Foreign Affairs Minister Peter MacKay]

"As a result, Canada will have no contact with the members of the Hamas cabinet and is suspending assistance to the Palestinian Authority."

“MacKay added that the new government must make a "clear commitment" to peace before Canada will end the diplomatic freeze.”

First and foremost, I agree with the policy of demurring to vector economic support for Palestinians through Hamas.

Nevertheless; Hamas was the democratic choice of Palestinians and, as with other democratic nations, their informed decision was based on the best choice they saw. Given the political and economic circumstances of the moment, in fairness, what realistic alternative for forming a stable government did they have? Hamas; Religious zealots sworn to violence, but proven benefactors to the people, or Fatah; corrupt to the bone with a history of destituting Palestinians and sucking every last drachma of foreign aid into it's own pockets. Not much of a choice. Harper might contemplate that his party got in by an even narrower margin than Hamas on a platform stressing allegatons of corruption in the Liberal Party.

Given time, and suasions from the international community, the Hamas manifesto of record advocating violence against Israel shall and should be vigorously confronted on every possible level. Now that Hamas must deal both with it’s own constituents and the rest of the world as their representative, there is a better chance of effecting productive moderation. Hamas has been given another leg to stand on. It doesn’t seem reasonable to me to insist it compete in the Olympics before it has had barely time to attach the thing; let alone do ‘re-hab’.

I strongly protest the way the Canadian Government chose to effect this decision.

Canada has a long history of making mature, responsible and ‘long-headed’ decisions in matters of foreign policy. This precipitate decision by Ottawa betrays a reactionary mindset unworthy of it’s distinguished past and is unworthy of it’s people. Even worse, it misrepresents the Canadian ethos. It smacks of bullying, intolerance and arrogance.

As a Canadian, I am more than a little ashamed by the way Prime Minister Steven Harper and Foreign Affairs Minister Peter MacKay have chosen to represent me. Unlike the Palestinians, they/we do have viable alternatives and resources at our disposal that they can only dream about. There was no need for our government to panic when Hamas got elected. Canada conducted itself wisely and deftly through the PLO/ Arafat era and things were appreciably more volatile during much of that time than they are at present.

One of several alternatives would have the Canadian Government indicate it’s reluctance to continue it’s existing aid policy for Palestine for the very sound and justifiable reasons cited; but do it respectfully through diplomatic communications. The World would learn about the contemplations and rationale of the Canadian Government soon enough. Such communiqués inevitably get leaked; and not by accident. The new Palestinian Administration, and those who empathize with the plight of Palestinians, would then not have to react to this blatant, and possibly humiliating, confrontation. Canada’s future actions, such as those ordained by fiat in Mr. MacKay’s declaration, would then be seen to be ‘above board’, non-coercive, and non confrontational. Instead, the Harper ‘manifesto’ makes us look downright judgmental and pompous. Personally, if I were a Palestinian, and a peaceful one, I would feel like I just got a slap in the face from someone presuming to be my benefactor. It’s twisted; like biting the hand you’re supposed to be feeding.

Even more distressing is the hypocrisy and cowardly toadying evidenced by Harper’s action. Canada has not thumped it’s chest and swore a bloody oath at the United States recently. We haven’t cut off anything to them and we are not about too; either. And I feel we ought to be ashamed at ourselves about it; not bruiting to the Palestinians that they are not politically sophisticated enough to suit our taste. When there is money ‘in it’ for us, we’re as quiet as church mice stuffing our cheeks with the Communion crumbs; oblivious to the Teaching from the Pulpit. If a people's lack of political sophistication were an issue, Harper needs to clarify his thoughts on how Bush et. al. got into the White House; twice!

In terms of scale; the hate imperative ascribed to Hamas viz. Israel is small ‘fajitas’ compared to that inherent in the Bush Administration’s practices and stated policies [3]. On the face of it, Palestine has a stronger argument in support of it’s contended right to occupy Israeli territory than the US had for invading and occupying Iraq. In both cases, the means used by way of achieving these objectives were abhorrent, immoral, criminal; even damnable.

In order to justify the Invasion, the US perjured itself before the UN, it’s own citizens and the world. It violated the UN Charter, it went against the Security Council, it dissembled before it’s duly elected Congress and thereby violated it’s own constitution. The Invasion was illegal. Based upon fraudulent, prevaricated and unsubstantiated accusations, the US proceeded to destroy the economy, the infrastructure, the domestic security and overthrew the government of a country to which it had no historic connection; much less did it have any right to occupy it. Through ignorance and despisement, the US Military depreciated that nations historic artifacts, verily artifacts of the Birth of Civilization itself, by surrendering them to looters. Allegedly, it further displayed it’s contempt for civilization by violating the Geneva Convention as it was intended to apply to POWs in Abu Girhaib and ‘Gitmo’ and, purportedly, other ‘secret’ locations.

By it’s actions, the US revealed for the world to see that it could not be trusted to speak the truth; showing the same mock contempt for the wisdom and judgment and rights of every OTHER nation on earth as that portrayed by Jack Nicholson’s character, Col. Jessep in, “A Few Good Men”. In one memorable scene, Jessep pontificated to Keefer…“You can't handle the truth.” In this work of fiction, Aaron Sorkin was exploring the mind-set of a narcissistic psychopath in a position of power. Bush seems to have incarnated the character and the American electorate seems to have given him an Oscar by re-electing him. The play is still running, ‘Off Beltway’. Harper and MacKay appear to reading for parts in the play, even as understudies, and are obliging Canadians to be their patrons in order to get roles. During Harper’s televised announcement, I detected repeated affectations of the, “Cheney Sneer”, and it made me very uncomfortable.

By failing to corral Osama Bin Laden, failing in ALL it’s stated objectives concerning the invasion and occupation of Iraq, failing to address the needs of it’s citizens before, during and after Katrina, failing to manage it’s own border security [2], the US has shown itself to be incompetent in marshalling and interpreting the facts and resources it does have. The Department of Homeland Security is an oxymoron. By covertly spying on it’s own citizens, it has made it plain to everyone it cannot be trusted even to observe it’s own laws and constitution.

Bush’s doctrine of, “Prevenge” [3] as embodied in his revised, “National Security Strategy”, of March 16, is nothing more than a terrorist manifesto, arrogating unto the United States (ie. the Executive) the right to wreak destruction on any nation, any affiliation, that it deems a threat. Mackay declared that, “the new [Palestinian] government must make a "clear commitment" to peace before Canada will end the diplomatic freeze.” But, the US policy of, “Pre-emptive War”, even though it has shown it is neither trustworthy nor competent to make such unilateral decisions, didn’t excite so much as a raised eyebrow or a wagging finger from the PMO.

The US has demonstrated all the characteristics of a terrorist nation; yet, no condemning proclamations have come out of Ottawa. Instead of condemning the actions and policies of the Bush Administration, Harper and MacKay have chosen to emulate them and affiliate Canadian foreign policy with that of the US. In so doing, Harper is showing the same ‘leadership’ qualities, that is to say, the same psychopathy, as Bush, and he has forfeited the right to be trusted in consequence.

The future bodes ill for Canada in terms of foreign policy. We are now cultivating enemies and provoking conflict where a few months ago we were valued and respected friends. I wish this was only a play; I could walk out and cancel my subscription.

[1] http://lfpress.ca/newsstand/News/National/2006/03/30/1511796-sun.html

[2]There are approximately 12 million ‘illegal’ immigrants living in the US.

Five recent tests attempting to bring radioactive materials into the US illegally were successful.

[3] http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/03/16/AR2006031600491.html

FACT SHEET: THE PRESIDENT'S NATIONAL SECURITY STRATEGY

"The Point That Isn’t" - The NRO Eschews Criticism

The Boundary Bay Morning SteamerÓ
Boundary Bay, B.C. (bbmornsteamer@dccnet.com) Wednesday, March 29, 2006

“The Point That Isn’t”
by: 00Buck

IN RE: “The Markup
The British Memo, a.k.a. News That Isn't”

National Review Online
03/27 11:32 AM
Stephen Spruiell Reporting

As with other submissions I have made to the NRO, the following was deemed unaccecptable.

Although it would seem to violate the laws of physics and principles of applied medicine, I submit that if a 6” spike got driven through Mr. Spruiell’s head, by accident, it would fall out of it’s own and leave the man unmoved and unmarked.

Mr. “Spurious”, thesis in the NRO Blog proposes that bruiting the substance of, “The British Memo” is; “…just recycling old news.” Nice try Stephen, but Mrs. Lincoln has more important issues on her mind, despite the narrow and peculiar ‘focus’ of hacks writing entertainment columns. The issue is: how many times and in how many ways does the message have to be recycled before the US, before the co-opted media, before y’all, get the point?

Mr. Spruiell wrote:

“…we already knew at that point that Saddam would not cooperate with the UN…”

So what? There were dozens of countries around the world not “cooperating” with the UN. Human Rights issues in China, genocides in Rwanda, Sudan and Yugoslavia … there was and is a long list of valid targets for moral indignation and legal intervention.

But by far the most noteworthy and egregious violations were those being committed by the US directly, and indirectly by policies and regimes sponsored by the US in other countries. What logic is there that says the US can invade a foreign country, destroy it’s economy and domestic security, depreciate it’s cultural artifacts and surrender them to looters, violate the UN Charter and ignore The Security Council …and in so doing, imagine itself to be ”cooperating” with the UN,... or in some way advancing it’s interests? This is not a paradox; it is an absurdity; and a perverse one. If not cooperating with the UN is a damnable offense, then; by his own words, he be damned.

How is it the US (Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, et. al.) can ignore and despise the UN (e.g. John R. Bolton) with one insult and deprecation [1] after another, threaten to discredit legitimate UN inspectors [2] and, then presume to justify the destruction of another nation, inflict “Shock and Awe” on the pretext (barefaced lies) that the victim was failing to honour the UN?

The salient point of Mr. Blix’s meeting with Cheney and Bush in the Oval office (October 2002) wasn’t to complain about Saddam’s subterfuges; it was to inform the Administration that despite intensive and “invasive” [3] searching (including searches of sites specifically identified by the CIA) the UN Inspectors found nothing to substantiate the claim Saddam was hiding anything at all or had the wherewithal to manufacture anything which would qualify as WMD.

The point continues to be: the US continues to maintain that it was justified in its decision to invade Iraq because it wouldn’t turn over WMD. The fact that Iraq could not oblige because these ephemera only existed in, “Fantasy Land, DOC”, not in the real world is, according to Spruiell, just so much, “Old News”. The Memo clearly stated: “At their meeting, Mr. Bush and Mr. Blair candidly expressed their doubts that chemical, biological or nuclear weapons would be found in Iraq in the coming weeks,…” Where is the precedent for despoiling, then occupying another man’s ranch on the basis there is no expectation of finding evidence of crime? This is a ‘case in point; an example of the mentality of cattle rustlers and (oil) claim jumpers and the ‘raison d’être’ for Bin Laden and the 9/11 statement of objection. The point of the memo is: it substantiates Osama’s claim that American Foreign Policy is intolerable and that the, “Shock and Awe”, of 9/11 was just a dose of it’s own pharmaceuticals.

If that wasn’t bad enough, integral to the schemes of these homicidal despoilers was the necessity of putting their own family (nation), their heirs and successors at ransom; obligating them to pay their cronies (Carlisle, Halliburton, KBR, et. al.) billions, even trillions [4], to repair the damage.

The Blair Memo is probative to the case that this Administration pre-determined, with malice aforethought, to make American citizens accessories to a monstrous crime, with full knowledge and understanding that this generation and probably the next would be on the hook for all the damage, while they personally will have retired from the scene having amassed an obscenity of wealth. The only beneficiaries of this extortion are the principals among the American Petroleum Giants (look at the profits since the War!) and corporate megaliths with government contracts for the reconstruction and repairs. Someone should disabuse Mr. Spruiell, and some other contributors to NRO, of the queer notion that, “hindsight”, is the view you get from looking up your own.

Not one of the criteria presented as justification for invading Iraq was true. No ‘Yellow Cake” solicited from Nigeria [5], no chemical, biological or radioactive predicates for WMD; not a single molecule or atom out of order. At best, the purported evidences had about as much substance as the 'wet-dream' idylls of a 12 year old 'pre-pube', the ‘wet-brained’ reveries of an alcoholic imagining he has a cellar full of Chivas, or the ergot induced hallucinations that drove the Salemites to incinerate housewives and maidens. At worst, they qualify as issuing false reports to police, perjury (lying under oath) and malicious prosecution.

France and the USSR had developed mutually satisfactory oil and economic relationship with Baghdad which it was, and is, their sovereign right to do. Just because these agreements did not suit the US oil cartel are not grounds to label them, “bribery”as Stephen has. If the Spruiell wants to cite examples of exploitive and abusive foreign and economic policies, for the 'Love of Peteroleum', he doesn’t need object lessons from Persians.

The US had no moral, ethical or legal basis for the Invasion, but Mr. ‘Spurious’ and the American ‘corpocracy’ that is the Media, although acting as conduits for the, “News”, still haven’t gotten the message. Perhaps Spruiell and his ilk have seen the text of the message enough times that the rehearsing of it has become tedious to the point of distraction. Mr. Spruiell and his readers should take note that the rest of the world does not subordinate the venality and criminality of unmitigated war to fears that Mr. Spruiell is subject to fits of 'the vapors' or ennui.

Stephen’s depreciation of the British Memo’s significance is just another way of saying he is not listening to a message he wasn’t qualified to comment upon in the first place, and that his powers haven’t improved perceptibly despite having had 2 years to repair the deficiency.

I suggest Mr. Spruiell devote some professional development time to watching Tyra Banks in the afternoon. If he possesses any powers of absorption, if he is able to derive tutelage from someone with vastly superior intellectual acuity, knowledge of the subject and powers of penetration (not to mention personal depth), Ms. Bank’s mentoring would afford Stephen an opportunity to add some depth to his insights into American foreign policy.

Edited: rws; Friday, March 31, 2006

[1]Meet the Press, March 16, 2003
Dick Cheney: I disagree, yes. And you'll find the CIA, for example, and other key parts of our intelligence community disagree. ... [W]e know he has been absolutely devoted to trying to acquire nuclear weapons. And we believe he has, in fact, reconstituted nuclear weapons. I think Mr. ElBaradei frankly is wrong

[2] http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/03/09/MNGIP5H2031.DTL

When it came to Iraq , Cheney made it clear that inspections could not go on forever if they did not produce results, Blix writes. In that case, the United States "was ready to discredit inspections in favor of disarmament," he quotes Cheney as saying.

Blix left Cheney believing the session "was not meant as a real exchange of views. Perhaps it was just to put us on notice."

[3] “After three months of intrusive inspections, we have to date found no evidence or plausible indication of the revival of a nuclear weapons programme in Iraq ”
Director General of IAEA, Dr. Mohamed ElBaradei, to the U.N. Security Council

[4] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Halliburton#Iraq_controversy
Despite statements that the company receives low profit margins from their Iraq contracts, their stock value has gone from $9 in mid-2002 all the way up to $69 as of late-2005.

[5] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yellowcake_Forgery

“by early 2002, investigations by both the CIA and the State Department had found the documents to be inaccurate. Days before the Iraq invasion…”

“Who wants to give their mother-in-law a GLOCK?”

OR:

“Empty a couple of clips into the kids and they’ll learn to behave”

Evidently; “The National Review Online”, screens submissions critical of it’s, “Blog Row”, contributors’ ‘pensées’ rather carefully. At least, they have eschewed my submissions.

I tendered a comment on a posting by Andy McCarthy on Tuesday that NRO preferred not to append; but, I am not about to let the matter go unredressed. Mr. McCarthy’s piece purports to lend support for a policy that would increase US Military aggression and violence in Iraq with the idea this would help Iraq conform to the exigencies of democracy. The essence of his thesis can be deduced from the following quote:

“I think it’s possible Americans could be persuaded that we must step it up and achieve an unambiguous military victory in Iraq to prevent terrorists from winning a share of power in an outcome that would be a humiliating defeat of the U.S…” [Andy McCarthy, “YOU'VE GOT TO DEFEAT THE ENEMY FIRST” thecorner@nationalreview.com 4/4/2006]

Mr. McCarthy's problem analysis and prescription is based upon Reuel Marc Gerecht's problem analysis and prescription [Wall Street Journal, April. 4/06] which in turn is predicated upon the Department of Defense’s problem analysis and prescription for the ‘disastrophe’ in Iraq. It must have taken some really deep thinking. Odds are, many NRO readers will feel enlightened by Andy’s piece; especially those who think, "hindsight", is the view you get when you have your head stuck up your own; really deep.

But there is a sizable contingency who prefer the view by daylight; those who, like Mrs. Lincoln, are still over-awed by images of a reality unlimned by the narrow and peculiar ‘focus’ of hacks writing critical reviews for the morrows entertainment columns.

The US Military has no business being in Iraq. It’s presence there resembles having a ‘pistol packin’ mother-in-law smash down your door, trash your house (including all the utilities), casually surrender your photo-albums and family heirlooms to looters, then park her butt on what’s left of your couch and proceed to tell you what’s wrong with your marriage; at gunpoint. Like the 'Mother-in-Law from Hell', she is oblivious of the fact that the upheaval she cites as justification for her presence is a direct result of her lying and meddling in the first place.

Mr. McCarthy’s prescription is to give the witch more bullets and a mandate to wing the kids by way of trying to re-establish domestic harmony.

00Buck

The Boundary Bay Morning SteamerÓ
bbmornsteamer@dccnet.com