Municipality of Saanich to Consider, “Pay-Per-Flush”

The Boundary Bay Morning Steamer®
Boundary Bay, B.C. (bbmornsteamer@dccnet.com) Sunday, Mar. 26, 2006

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Municipality of Saanich to Consider, “Pay-Per-Flush”

OR:

"The Latest Poop"

When I heard this on the CKVU Evening News out of Victoria last nite, the first thing that came to mind was: “Where was the person who thought this up actually sitting when this idea first wafted up and across their forebrain?”

Although Saanich, a ‘burb’ of Greater Victoria, is some 27 nautical miles across Georgia Straight from our offices, on a heading of 210^o (therefore mercifully off-wind a good part of the year) the staff here at, “The Boundary Bay Morning Steamer” feel the issue touches us in a very special way; reaches us right where we live, so to speak. It is not our custom to devote this many electrons to a single subject, but in this case, we've decided to vacate that policy.

During the morning staff meeting, it came out that each of us experienced pretty much the same ‘stimulus-response’ phenomenon upon hearing the news. Some of us nearly …, others could have…, and I personally thought I was going to …Fortunately; none of us actually did… ; mute testimony to our,...shall I say, "fortitude".

On March 15, Sheila Potter of the, “Saanich News”, alerted South Island residents to Councilman Wayne Hunter’s ruminations as Chair of the Finance Committee for the Municipality of Saanich.

“Saanich's finance committee wants to know if residents are open to a meter-based sewage bill intended to promote water conservation.
The pay-per-flush system would compliment the current consumption-based water bill, adding another incentive to spare water.”

Sheila quoted the councilman further down the page:

"There is no doubt in my mind that a government or some combination of governments will tell Victoria they have to solve their sewage problem," said Coun. Wayne Hunter, the chair of the finance committee. "It may be in ten years, I don't know, but if that is coming, we should move to a system that works towards that."

Pending direct confirmation from “The Chair”, we can only speculate as to whether Coun. Hunter is trying to start a ‘movement’, or stop one. It does appear however, his personal long-range views on the environmental impact of obligatory ablutions are slanted in favour of the “Anal Retentive” personality. A ‘bone fide’ clinical diagnosis, with a certificate, could well enhance the pedigree of the dedicated Saanich social climber; becoming a coveted status symbol.

The “Pay-As-You-Pee Program” or, “PAY PP” as we dubbed it here at, “The Steamer”, is an idea whose time has come. No; …seriously!

Wherever it is one does their most productive thinking, we would like to encourage everyone boasting a connection to a sewer pipe to start keeping a pad and pencil handy to regularly diarrize their pensées upon the various issues as they emerge. There undoubtedly will be many details to digest and many hairs to be split as Coun. Hunter’s notion wends it’s tortured way through committee conduits; moved along by that process of political peristalsis which begins with ‘open air’ reports, and emerges as something solid and worthy of ‘white paper’ status. Although it is still too early to tell, Coun. Hunter’s ruminations have an air about them that might well signal a movement.

POLICY ISSUES

The rationale for instituting the “Pay-As-You-Go” or, piece-rate protocol as opposed to the current flat-rate system, must treat the importance of preserving equity across the entire community.

The “PAY PP” has the inherent potential to differentiate residential water consumption practices according to the actual ‘end use’ of this precious resource. This would allow municipal bureaucrats to single out and levy against those abusing their municipally sanctioned, heretofore gratuitous, toilet privileges. Council shouldn’t penalize those who are just really thirsty all the time, those given to bathe in water, neither should it discriminate against Lawn Chair Conservators valiantly engaged in the perennial struggle to protect habitat essential to keeping the, “Saanich Dandelion”, off the Endangered Species List.

BASIC SERVICE PACKAGE OPTION

Some thought needs to be given to striking a policy that would permit Saanich residents a certain maximum number of flushes per day before it is deemed an insult to the system and extraordinary fees made to kick in. This approach might resemble the Basic Service Package we get from the Cable Dudes. Depending on your point of view, there could be problems with this; but, there certainly would be consequences.

For instance; if the BSP limit is set too low, many residents might find themselves reaching the daily max sometime after “Happy Hour”, and before the second, post-prandial cup of Nabob. Human Nature will sometimes turn a deaf ear to the Call of Nature when money is involved. This is especially true for a district like Greater Victoria which has a high a percentage of retired and/or exiled Scotsmen in it; all willing to risk renal collapse and herniating colons until the ‘witching hour’ of an evening when the BSP ‘toiletometer’ resets.

At 12:01 a.m. precisely, as every Residential Basic Shelter Unit in the District flushes in concert, a compact bolus of human waste would blast through the municipal sewer system like a jet-propelled 3-man bobsled, sequentially blowing unsecured manhole lids into the air like cast-iron skeet before arriving at the discharge pond seconds later; like a case of ‘explosive diarrhea’, on the scale of a municipality.

The size and scope of the spectacle would easily give Saanich a leg up on Yellowstone’s “Old Faithful”; especially if, and I suspect it would, … especially if it was accompanied by sound and fury from out of the ground like random notes from some vast geothermal bagpipes.

If the event could be scheduled during daylight, say, 12 noon instead of midnight, it’d fetch more tourists… although I don’t think we could count on much of a lunch crowd. The added tourist revenue would go a long way to underwriting the cost of a new treatment plant and help offset therapists’ retainers for the plant’s day shift coping with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

SPECIAL GROUPS; SPECIAL OCCASIONS; SPECIAL CONSIDERATIONS

Not everyone in society will be affected equally by the “PAY PP”. Responsible civics requires that those less fortunate among us not be ignored or made to sit out. At least, civics according to it’s classical definition; “BC”… (Before Campbell).

Care must be given to avoid giving unfair socio-economic advantage to people inadvertently; to those who, through default at birth, were born with atypical bladders. We’re wondering if those with itty-bitty bladders might qualify under BC Med to get corrective implants. Are there actuarial tables in support of the notion BC Med might actually save money over the expected life of the group member?

Some groups that deserve consideration might be:

• People with bladder control problems
• Men with ‘pernicious prostate tickle’.
• Those suffering from bulimia
• University students calibrating their consumption parameters
• Husbands trying to balance the need to economize on junkets to restaurants against the missus’ counter-strategy of inventing new and colostomy inducing recipes
• Teachers wanting to know if kids on field trips will have to carry Day Passes? Where do they go when they lose them?

Young children do present special problems. Under a metered system, if a kid from a large family collects a case of the “Flying Axe Handles” at school, by the time the virus has percolated through everyone in the house, the ‘Old Man’ could be up to his ears; in debt. Single parent families already living ‘on the edge’ could be literally ‘wiped’ out by the end of the month.

Then there is the cost of pottie training. After the “PAY PP” is introduced, will it be cheaper to continue the practice of ‘home schooling’ “Diaper Dan”, or will the added expense drive many parents to outsource and pay a semester’s tuition to some local academy or community college? What about bursaries, and scholarships?

MONITORING

No policy or law is any good if it can’t be enforced.

For those who haven’t thought the matter through yet and feel the “honour system” would suffice; imagine what life would be like for apartment dwellers on the ground floor under party animals;… with balconies! Progress comes with a price. Monitoring will be essential.

In order to monitor the “PAY PP”, Saanich will have to consider recruiting service personnel. These could be organized into a functional hierarchy with an elite squad of enforcers, the, “Pee Police” (Regulars), a crack fleet of meter-readers (Peter Meter Readers), and a civilian militia (Pee Patrol) consisting of volunteers willing to sign up as compliance monitors for tours of duty in neighbourhood surveillance.

This latter contingent, the “PPs”, could be pulled from the ranks of civic minded community members and would be tasked with reporting when they observe abuses (or get wind of them) to “The Regulars”, who could then issue warnings or tickets to the really stubborn and repeat offenders.

Some of the indicators of abuse the “Pee Patrol” will be trained to spot would include:

• Guys standing out in their backyard after dark not smoking
• Guys returning from taking the dog for a walk without there being evidence of a dog, or a baggie
• Guys hiding in neighbour’s bushes where the missus is know to be not all that attractive
• Guys watering the lawn while its raining

Since a good deal of this surveillance would occur at nite, coffee consumption by Pee Patrollers themselves could become an issue. To monitor this, a second tier of Internal Affairs Officers might need to be deployed to do random spot checks, and to deal with “PP’s”, for whom the pressure was getting to be too much. It is understandable some “PP’s” might be tempted to tinkle (or worse) in the field while on duty.

Monitoring the “PAY PP” might also require that some neighbourhoods install video cameras in high traffic and problem areas. “Regulars” could then issue tickets by mail to those caught exceeding the posted ‘peed limit’.

Vacant lots should display signs: “NO TRESPISSING - VIOLATORS WILL BE PROSECUTED”.

WITHIN THE DOMESTIC UNIT: SOME QUESTIONS

According to an exclusive publication available only to the British, “Really Upper Crust”:

“The Definition of A True Gentleman”, is cited as: “A man who steps out of the shower to pee.”

Monitoring for men who start ‘doing it’ in there, or in the sink, to avoid the flush fee presents a unique challenge. Their new 'modus commodi' is bound to get noticed and occasion a deal of distaff backlash. We must expect vigorous objections to re-commissioning the ‘ensuite’ vanity as the default urinal, especially since this option would be available only to men, and possibly a handful of women over six-foot two. Wives riding herd over a husband and a couple of teen-age ‘doggies’ will have to decide whether or not to rat the gang out when it dawns on them just why it is that their tush hasn’t tasted porcelain in 3 or 4 days.

ECONOMIC AND SOCIAL IMPACT

Before the “PAY PP” becomes final, careful studies should be undertaker to assess what impact there might be on the local economy and on social habits and conventions.

Since bathroom privileges will become a scarce resource in certain instances, retail outlets, professional service offices, corporate head (no pun intended) offices, some government facilities (no pun intended) and even the Corner Convenience (no pun intended) Store will have to re-examine their approach to treating customers, clients, and visitors.

Retailers might begin issuing “Free Flush” Coupons and/or "Crouch Vouchers". Patrons having to park their butts downtown, or just want to schmooze in a café, might begin insisting that merchants validate.

Citizens with business at Municipal Hall, or visitors to the gallery at the Provincial Legislature, could be ‘comped’ by a greeter with vouchers that say: “Why be different? Take a crap on us.”

AS "THE CHIT" EMERGES; SOME THOUGHTS

For reasons too obvious to mention, these coupons would almost certainly become known as “Chits”. Over time, these “Chits” could lead to a parallel or underground economy and inspire distinctive colloquialisms known as, “Pottie Patois”. We might even see the emergence of a Black Market in discounted, or partially used, “Biddy Visit”, coupons.

Community minded merchants such as “Thrifty Foods” might issue something like Canadian Tire Money or the Script used on Salt Spring. Upscale Shriner Lotteries could feature “Pee Free for One Year” draws at the PNE. Lucky families would get the coveted, “I P Freely” and, “I P FREELY 2”, personalized license plates, bumper stickers, and tee shirts for the whole family.

A revised TV jingle might come out sounding like; “You deserve a “Chit” today, at MacDonald’s”.

Numismatists and philatelists with nothing better to do than make a hobby out of collecting mint script could be called, “Chit Heads”.

The ‘lounge lizard’s’ favorite pick up line might become, “Hey babe; wann’a come up and see my “Chit” collection”.

Instead of the hackneyed, “I couldn’t care less”, people might begin expressing their ennui with; “I just don’t give a “Chit”.

We are used to seeing pamphlets and card holders on the counter or against the wall in banks and doctors’ offices. The neighbourhood proctologist’s drop in center might be freshened up if they got rid of that old flyer that says, “No: Müslix isn’t German for that stuff that comes out of your nose”, and replaced it with a snappy courtesy card: “Need a Chit? Take One”.

What happens if you get in ‘arrears’ or fall ‘behind’ in your payments? What are they going to do to you …issue a warrant for a crew of municipal plumbers to repossess your biffies! This last resort tactic would create an entirely new stratum in Saanich society: “The Will-Have-Nots”; a class of, “Les Misérables”, who aren’t homeless, technically; but they still don’t have a pot to piss in; practically. Alternatively, they could put offenders in a cell without a dumper in it and leave them there until they can’t stand the pain and resort to a bondsman to settle the account. What will society do with habitual offenders, chronic deadbeats…?

Would homeowners paying big bucks for “econo-flush” units be eligible for partial rebates? If so, would this be entirely fair to the environmentally conscious dweller with less ‘disposable’ who gets by with a hod of bricks in the toilet tank instead?

What about ‘bidet’ enthusiasts?

Can we get an extended warrantee on our “1000 Flushes” cartridges?

When prepping the family to head up country to grandma’s for Thanksgiving, the dialectic might well change. “Now does anyone have to go before we leave?” might become: “You’ll just have to hang on darlins. Once we clear the District, you’ll be OK. Out there, people are free; going where they want, when they want; their own masters….” (Apologies to W. Whitman)

ANTICIPATE OPPOSITION

There are always those who greet innovation with querulous complaints; those who just seem to have to make a big stink about everything. Some wags are apt to say things like:

“Whoever thought this up has serious, clinically significant, mental hygiene issues, probably stemming from not being properly toilet trained as child. Either that, or they’re over-compensating for a repressed enema fetish.”

“Someone in the 'Policy Loop' needs to pay a special visit to their physician, and/or contact the mental health officer in charge of their file. I have a sneaking suspicion they just might have been flushing their meds down the toilet.”

“Have these guys got some perverse axe to grind with the Canadian Kidney Foundation;… are they trying to turn Saanich into the Renal Failure Capital of the World; or what?”

“Only Mafiosi and politicians would concoct the idea of force-feeding their turf/constituents such a pile of crap, and then extort a fee to truck it away”.

“The PAY PP” is BS. With all the cutbacks to Hospitals, the Elderly, Social Services and Education, you’d think the politicians were constipated; but, when it comes to dumping a new tax on us, they’re on it like grin on a letch.”

“Council can’t be serious; they’re proposing a “Dump Tax” in order to set up a “Flush Fund”? Oh; that’s rich!”

“If I had a nickel for every time some dumb-ass politician pissed my money away…now they’re telling me I have to pay to take a leak!”

I’M ON BOARD

Where do we go from here; verily, where do we go?

With good strategic planning and a certain amount of PR, detractors such as those suggested above can be muted, if not silenced. We live in times when sophisticated sewage management policy must be an essential part of our daily contemplations.

Even as I sit here this morning, I’m sketching plans to convert my gazebo into a state-of-the-art, “two-holer”; a “stand alone unit”, supplemented by wind power.

These are exciting times and the “PAY PP” is 'cutting edge'... or cutting something; anyway .

Let’s bring the “Porta-potties” in from the campers and relive that heady era when there was a chamber pot beside the aspidistra in the dining room and another one brewing under the bed beside your mules.

.